janitor of lunacy
paralyze my infancy
petrify the empty cradle
bring hope to them and me

janitor of tyranny
testify my vanity
mortalize my memory
deceive the devil's deed

tolerate my jealousy
recognize the desperate need

janitor of lunacy
identify my destiny
revive the living dream
forgive their begging scream

seal the giving of their seed
disease the breathing grief
-nico

<tr>
<td colspan="6">

go

tears of joy

disjointed

this is joy

we'll scare ourselves

now scare ourselves

will scare ourselves

of all that you wanna be

just go paid and now you're going

how long should you be?

how inside you please

out on saturdays

if I get scared I'll just call you

and I miss your glow as I unsettle

and I'll miss your glow as I unsettle

oh and I'll always feel

oh but I'll always feel

i will always be 

i will always feel

right, one, two, three, four

so

sell your suit and tie

sad you seem tired

sell your sin inside

sad your sitting tight

and come and live with me

well come and live with me

leukemia

schizophrenia

something in your

polyethylene

there is no signicant risk to your health

she used to be beautiful once as well

plastic bag middle class polyethylene

decaffeinate

i'll let it

unleaded

keep all surfaces clean

if you don't believe me

if you don't believe this

sell your soul

sell yourself

if you don't get into it no one will

nocturnal amblings (or searches, i suppose, for any alternative to the vast boredom that usually abounds) are better, harder, faster, and just fuckin more without the intervention of strung out stumbling... transfer to fuckin edge.
scarcely anyone seems capable of understanding my sense of humor. kinda sucks because i often find myself laughing extremely hard while nothing's going on. lovely.

i stare at the sky and it leaves me blind.
i close my eyes and this is yesterday.
i repent, i'm sorry, everything is falling apart.
why do anything when you can forget everything.

i just randomly recalled last year. last year was such shit. it was seriously me being like "ah, the meyzeek clique is there. hm, i am here." and like.. finding kari and being introduced to a shitload of people. and satton, which was utter shit. and.. i felt like shit all the time and did really fuckin bad in school cause i didnt give a shit. and then i hung out with really fuckin dumb people who spent no time sober.. and yeah. it was shit. i hate it. fuck. yea, and i remember when i was obssessed with chris, and that was fuckin shit too because he was a fuckin skankass. i was like "punk is cool. blah blah blah." and then near the end of the year i met some little emo kids and i was like "weee." and fuck them and i didnt know who to try to be and i fuckin hate high school and adolescenece and everyfuckinthing and i really just need to exist between the pages of some weirdass book. modernism came all over your face, and everything else, so fuck yourself. yea, it was such a contrast from middle school where everyone was like "shjejejkak abercrombie! lets all look down on each other!" and i was like "damn.. decent people at school." but fuck em cause no ones decent. shoulda gone to atherton. nah, fuck atherton, too.


shameless ambling past where youve been to where you thought didnt exist are only magnified by the fact that youre fuckin sober.

nothings soft,
and everything's fleeting
sitting under a tree at night,
me completely lost in my own world,
hungrily gulping in the night air and distractedly toying with a clove
you, just watching and saying nothing but occasionally resting your head in my lap
but i don't feel it
or much else
and i hate being numb
and i don't know what apathy is
because i'm always feeling something
even if it's resentment or jealousy or anger
and then i begin to speak but the words make no sense
and i'm just talking to hear my own voice,
to know that i'm still there and haven't yet faded away into wherever it is people fade
whatever happened happened and i walked you home
but it was clear that it was hardly love
too bad, because you hit me and i loved you,
i thought.

how else can i phrase it? i want: to feel.

paint spills out of your eyes and flows from your fingers
paint
fills my mouth when you kiss me but i do not gag
paint
changes the colors of my mind when i pump it into my left ear
paint
modified moods and occupies paper
paint me.

it may be night but flourescent teeth take no notice of such things. (i suppose)
i'd ache, but that wouldn't leave room for cherry pie (oh no.)
if you were a piece of swiss cheese, i'd stick my tongue through one of your holes, anticipating making an impact. i'd walk away, smiling contentedly. (did i just say that?)

nowhere fast is no fun when you've got a watch going backwards and a smile on your forehead.

if i had control, i'd bottle it
and try to give you a taste of it sometime
if i had sense i'd try
rhyme

i drink your milk because i've known no other
and the doctor says i need to grow
you can leave it in a silver dish outside your door-
no need to polsih
and i'll refrain from disturbing you.

i speak your words because i'm too tired to compose my own.
it's easier to sigh
you're yellow; i'm blue; but there is no green.
why do you think that is?

if you weren't so sour, i'd like your eyes
i'd sing your tears backwards
or lick them off myself
if you weren't so interesting to look at when you're sad, i'd try to cheer you up

joel dropped me off at the hospital today. they still think i have a mental disorder, but are unsure what it is. i may have to stay there for some while. that would definitely be inconvenient.

Date:	2001-09-23 01:36
Subject:	hm.
Security:	Public
Mood:	apathetic
Music:	hmm

i just saw daisys s/n like.. gone. i didnt even know he got on. he didnt im me. alex didnt. alex left too. i shouldnt like alex. i shouldnt start liking him again. its so hard. all i want is to want someone who likes me back. areeteyuejhdhdh.
i can't even look in you eyes without shaking, and i ain't faking..
my baby i'm *afraid* i'm falling for you
ooooo. ooo. and o..
and i feel
all this pain
shoved it down
its back again
hohum.
*mimi*

Date:	2001-09-22 12:42
Subject:	this week
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	weezer.

hm.. i was really happy when i screamed DUNCAN! in the cafeteria and he came and sat with me, carly, jane, and maybe someone else. he left then came back but it was practically time to leave so i stood up and was like "give me a hug." and he did. awww. when i'm around him i just.. feel different. i like him.. but yesterday when i was walkin out after lunch had ended he was standing there with the usual people and i just didn't talk to him. about alex.. on thursday i screamed his name outside while he was goin in and he paused then kept goin so me and whitney followed him in. he was basically talking to her the whole time and she gave him a note. then he called her. hm. i was gonna go to mark's house yesterday.. haha. its like.. a lot of people are druggies. i used to like elliott but he sat with me, jane, and carly at lunch yesterday some and was actin SO retarded.. i just wanted to yell at him to leave. alex is like "stop being yourself.. you're making me want you again." he's being stupid. i know it. i just don't know why. i mean.. if he liked me, he'd TALK to me, right? well..
r L k86 [12:21 PM]: i am such a skank prep
Mimi374 [12:21 PM]: haha u wanna be
r L k86 [12:22 PM]: no
r L k86 [12:22 PM]: i dont want to
Mimi374 [12:22 PM]: then why are you?
r L k86 [12:23 PM]: because i was pulled into it
r L k86 [12:24 PM]: on accident
Mimi374 [12:24 PM]: no you werent! its in how you act
r L k86 [12:25 PM]: well.....it sucks
Mimi374 [12:26 PM]: aw. go hang out with some cool ppl
r L k86 [12:26 PM]: psh
r L k86 [12:27 PM]: im gonna go eat my turtle soup
r L k86 [12:27 PM]: that my dad brought home
Mimi374 [12:27 PM]: haha ee no
r L k86 [12:28 PM]: its good
r L k86 [12:28 PM]: its like stew
r L k86 [12:28 PM]: just better
Mimi374 [12:28 PM]: thats nasty. you dont HAVE to hang around tommy and them
r L k86 [12:28 PM]: tommy aight
r L k86 [12:28 PM]: hes the least skanky prep
Mimi374 [12:29 PM]: hes such a tard
Mimi374 [12:29 PM]: he acts like that outside of school but at school hes like YAH I ROCK
Mimi374 [12:29 PM]: eeejwyu
r L k86 [12:29 PM]: whatever
r L k86 [12:29 PM]: i havetwo classes with him
r L k86 [12:29 PM]: no he doesny
Mimi374 [12:29 PM]: well maybe not to you
r L k86 [12:30 PM]: maybe just to you
Mimi374 [12:31 PM]: no.. hes a confused person. he skanks off skankpreps who are in 8th grade at meyzeek then talks about anti-abercrombie while hes wearin a polo from there
r L k86 [12:32 PM]: its called a happy mesium
r L k86 [12:32 PM]: *medium
Mimi374 [12:32 PM]: whaaat
r L k86 [12:32 PM]: nothing
r L k86 [12:32 PM]: look it up in el diccionario
Mimi374 [12:32 PM]: well he needs to stop. to me its called posing and hypocritism
r L k86 [12:32 PM]: sure
r L k86 [12:33 PM]: whatever your into
Mimi374 [12:33 PM]: poooooooo
r L k86 [12:33 PM]: sure
Mimi374 [12:34 PM]: hang around the cool people!
r L k86 [12:34 PM]: sure
Mimi374 [12:34 PM]: why not
r L k86 [12:34 PM]: huh?
Mimi374 [12:35 PM]: why wont you break away from the preppy people you feel comfortable around
Mimi374 [12:35 PM]: and see what else there is
r L k86 [12:35 PM]: becuse i feel comfortable ther
r L k86 [12:35 PM]: e
r L k86 [12:35 PM]: theyre actully realy cool
r L k86 [12:36 PM]: being antiprep just for the sake of being anti-prep is not good
Mimi374 [12:36 PM]: psh.. people see you with them and you feel cool cuz you think they are. basically you like them for the image
r L k86 [12:36 PM]: no
r L k86 [12:36 PM]: that would be wrong
r L k86 [12:37 PM]: i like them because theyre funny and there cool and they like being around me and i like being around them
Mimi374 [12:37 PM]: hm..ok
r L k86 [12:37 PM]: ok
r L k86 [12:38 PM]: i have got to GO
r L k86 [12:38 PM]: so GOODBYE
Mimi374 [12:38 PM]: byebye

tommy does act so conceited at school. he's like "i'll sit with you at lunch." then doesn't evem talk to me. i dunno. next week i'll try to be a little more.. open to other people. i like alex again.. aww zack p is so cute. the other zack on the bus came and sat with me at the depot saying he didn't want to be last off the bus. haha and cody sat 3 to a seat with me on like.. wednesday. i should be out doing something. hohum. i wrote alex a note.. it was really hard. then i gave it to jane to give him but SHE READ IT even though i told her not to and he threw it out the bus window. ajajyak. she wouldn't understand it at all. he shouldn't have thrown it out the window after reading the first thing.. which was something he said to me. i don't like her so much for reading it.. but it's all his fault, really. well. protoza.. or should i say aaron. i liked him for a day but he puts out this hardcore image, then skanks off everyone. aww when i hugged him tho.. i was like "yes." i can talk to mark. hm.
*mimi*

well well.. i got another lj because everyone reads them at school, and honestly i don't write anything that isn't generic in the other one. let me start with alex.. who annoys me so much. for some reason, he ims me when i say not to talk to me anymore.. to feel in charge, i think. because he eventually says DONT TALK TO ME ANYMORE. what.. why. i want someone to talk to. i thought it could be alex but all he does is tell me how ugly i am.. and when someone else disagress he acts like i make it up. so.